Birth is gross

I absolutely love kids. They are so fun and adorable and say the most hilarious things. I can totally understand why couples want to bring children into the world. But there is literally nothing that grosses me out more than the thought of being pregnant or giving birth. Literally everything about it makes me completely nauseated.  Let's run through a few highlights.

Opps I crapped my pants!
It is extremely common for women to poop themselves during delivery due to the extreme amount of pushing you are doing during labor. There are even stories of women pooping on the doctor or the doctor starting to gag from a woman shitting all over the table.

Tear^4
Fourth degree tears are when a woman rips her perinea while giving birth. A hole to hole tear. HOLE TO HOLE. When I asked my aunt about this, she said it was pretty common and in fact had happened to her. She said her doctors put her on medication afterwards which purpose was to make her constipated for 10 days. And I said, “Yeah they did. I mean you had one big vagina asshole.”

Rosemary’s baby
One of my friends recently went to visit her friend’s new baby. When she arrived they told her she couldn’t hold her, because my friend wasn’t wearing black. It turned out that the baby had swallowed so much vaginal blood on the way out, that she was vomiting blood for days.

Needless to say, all of these things completely freak me out. When I get pregnant in the very distance future, feel free to sign my up for one of those celebrity designer births!