The time I was almost famous

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I am slightly obsessed with the concept of being famous for no reason. I go to bed every night praying to God and vampires that I will somehow be approached to star in my own reality show.

Awhile ago, I signed up for this website that sends you a list of casting calls. Most of them were pretty random stuff like “are you getting married, but your fiancé hates your dog?” or “do you have a secret life that you want to share with your family on TV?” Like, who the hell signs up for these shows?

Eventually, I saw a casting call for Wipeout. If you haven’t seen the show, it is based off a wacky Japanese game show. Contestants run a series of obstacle courses in various rounds and constantly get knocked off into large pits of mud and water. I knew I had to sign up.

Big Balls on Wipeout

About two weeks after I submitted my information, I got a call from the producers. They wanted me to go down to L.A. to audition for the show. I was stoked. After my long drive down south, I arrived at the casting office in some random area of L.A. There were about 10 other people waiting. One of the producers comes out to address the group. “We want to see a lot of energy and really let your personality show.” I have to admit, I was nervous. I had no idea what I was about to experience.

Finally, I was called in to the casting office. It’s not really in my nature to be excessively loud and obnoxious, but I knew that was exactly what they were looking for. I walked in there like a cheerleader on crack, cheering and whooping left and right. They pressed record on the camcorder and proceeded to ask me a series of questions.

Producer: “Please state your name and where you are from.”
Me: “I’m Melissa from San Francisco.” *High kick*
Producer: “What made you want to come on Wipeout?”
Me: “I am tough and athletic and I can kick some ass.” (all lies)
Producer: “Most of our contestants have nicknames. What would yours be?”
Me: “Ball buster, because I am going to kick the red balls’ ass. WHOOO HOOO!”

After a few more questions, they told me I was in! I was so excited. They then sat me in an office to fill out dozens of pages of information. They literally asked me everything from every address I have ever lived in to whether or if/how often I did drugs (I did not mention the shroom incident). It was intense and took me about 45-minutes to fill the forms out.

In the end, I just couldn’t do the show. They needed me to travel down to L.A. three times in a month to film varies segments of the program and I just couldn’t do it with work. Unfortunately for now, I am still a normal citizen, but one day, ONE DAY, I will be a star.