Skills to pay the bills

A few weeks ago, my friends and I saw a Groupon for an introductory pole dancing class. Never one to turn down a potentially hilarious situation, I bought one immediately. On their website, the class suggests you wear shorts to get proper grip on the pole. “Hells yes!” I thought, “This is going to be awesome.”

The class toke place in a small, dark, room with poles suspended from ceiling to floor. With music blasting out loud, we started our warm ups. We started with floor exercises where at every opportunity, the teacher tells you to rub your hands sensually all over your body. After warm ups, we moved over to the pole, where she taught us the most basic move, called the firefly. To do the firefly, you walk around and then swing yourself around the pole. It’s not as easy as it looks and one of my friends even sustained some bruising on her feet.

Though the whole thing made you forcibly uninhibited, I managed to stop my awkward laughter all but two times. One outburst occurred when ½Sushi let the ghetto out and instead of sitting sexily placing her butt on her feet in a kneeling position; she went down ass wide, like she was trying to collect dollar bills with her butt cheeks. The second time occurred when the teacher instructed us to use our hands to lightly run over our bodies “like a pearl necklace.” I almost lost my shit with this one, because I am sure you can get a lot of pearl necklaces with those moves.

At the end of the class, the teacher gave us a demo of the kinds of tricks you can learn in the more advanced courses. To say I was impressed was an understatement. That chick pulled some moves on a pole that can only be described as gravity defying. I was about to pull out my wallet and start throwing some dollar bills her way, because it was just magical. Those chicks at Centerfolds can learn a thing of two from this girl. If I were her, I’d move to Vegas and start a nice little career there.

I didn’t end up buying the class series, because it was expensive to say the least, but it was totally worth taking the introductory course. Surprisingly, I picked the pole tricks up easily. Good to know if this whole corporate thing doesn’t work out, I have another, and probably more lucrative, career option.