The worst show on television

I watch a lot of crappy television. Shows that most people skip while flipping channels are shows that load my DVR every week. I feel that I have watched such a plethora of programs, that I am totally within my right to designate the title of the worst show on television. That honor goes to Hair Battle Spectacular.

I guarantee at least 1/2 of these people didn't graduate...anything

Hair Battle Spectacular is a show that features 10 “fantasy hair artists” who compete in battles to see who has the best hair sculptures. I didn’t mistype that. It’s not hairstyling, it is sculptures of hair worn on people’s heads. The show is hosted by Brooke Burns (D-list) and is judged by Derek Jae who has appeared on Real Housewives of Atlanta (Z-list) and a gaggle of people I have never heard of nor seen before.

"This piece represents world hunger"

The contestants have the most ghetto un-fabulous names like “Boss”, “Cajmonet”, and “Sexi Lexi”. All the contestants are catty and think they are the shit, which usually is highly entertaining, but the fact that their craft is creating these hair monstrosities just makes their egos look pathetic. They spend hours molding these hair don’t and then parade them in front of a stadium style crowd where they “battle”. This consists of the models walking the runway, while the stylists rap or recite poetry about their looks. Then the models give each other the dirty eye and circle each other once before they are judged.

Cake fuckery

On the episode I watched, the theme was wedding cake. One of the judges said to a contestant, “It just doesn’t look enough like a cake to me.” Do you know why? Because it’s fucking hair. Next week, the guest judge is Natalie “I run LA” Nunn from Bad Girls Club. Yeah, way to class it up Hair Battle Spectacular. Maybe next week you can get someone more irrelevant like Milli Vanilli to guest host. Or better yet, get Flock of Seagulls. Now those guys know something about hair.

Most of the time I will convince people to give trashy shows a chance, because they are usually addicting. In this case, I don’t even feel right making people spend a minute of their life wasted on this junk. This craptastic show is so horrible it makes my brain melt. It’s not even at the “it’s so bad, it’s good” level. It just plain sucks. From start to finish this show is literally the worst thing I have ever seen. And coming from me, that says a lot.